


this monster inside of me

by splendidlyimperfect



Category: Ao no Exorcist | Blue Exorcist
Genre: Bon really wants to touch Rin's tail but isn't sure why, Bon's not great a feelings but Rin needs a hug, Canon Universe, Crying, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Feelings, Grief/Mourning, Hugs, Hurt/Comfort, I just have a lot of feelings okay, M/M, Parent Death, Past Character Death, Pre-Slash, Reluctant Affection, Tails, The Author Regrets Nothing, This is sappy as shit, it's because he's gay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-18
Updated: 2020-07-18
Packaged: 2021-03-05 10:15:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,644
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25349074
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/splendidlyimperfect/pseuds/splendidlyimperfect
Summary: Bon overhears Rin talking about his father and decides he has to help.
Relationships: Okumura Rin & Suguro "Bon" Ryuuji, Okumura Rin/Suguro "Bon" Ryuuji
Comments: 22
Kudos: 479





	this monster inside of me

**Author's Note:**

> i've never written for this fandom before but i've been rewatching the show and rin just needs a hug, so i'm giving him one. this is after konekomaru gets taken over by the demon and tries to kill rin - much angstier than the actual episode. i'm just calling them 'rin' and 'bon' because i am a simple, dumb gay who gets confused when people have multiple names. enjoy! 
> 
> find me on tumblr as @splendidlyimperfect

“He killed my dad, too.”

Bon freezes with the door to the roof partway open, letting a sliver of light spill out into the night. The voice is Rin’s, and Bon can just see him sitting on the edge of the roof with his knees pulled up to his chest. Bon frowns, shifting to see if Yukio is sitting there, but nobody else is around except Rin’s familiar, Kuro.

Kuro meows at Rin and headbutts him, curling around his back and rubbing his face against Rin’s leg. Rin sniffs, and Bon realizes with a start that he’s crying.

“I know,” Rin says quietly, reaching down to scratch behind Kuro’s ears. “I just wish I could...” His voice wobbles and he drops his forehead to his knees, shoulders trembling.

Bon’s fingers tighten on the door handle and he hesitates, looking between Rin and the stairs behind him. He’d come up here for quiet – the view of the city at night clears his mind when things are complicated – and Rin is anything but quiet. But he can’t just leave.

Kuro meows again and Rin shakes his head. “They’re still scared of me,” he mumbles into his sweater. “Back at camp, I just wanted to protect them. I didn’t mean to...” He pulls tighter into himself, glancing down at Kurikara, which is sitting on the roof next to him. “They’re right. I am dangerous.” Kuro makes an indignant sound, but Rin ignores him. “Maybe it’d be better if they’d killed me.”

“Don’t talk like that, idiot!” Bon shoves the door open the rest of the way and stalks over to the edge of the roof, hands tightened into fists. Rin flinches, looking up at him with wide eyes. His expression jumps from confusion to fear, taking a quick detour at shame before ending up at anger.

“What do you care?” he snarls, baring sharp teeth while Kuro hisses at Bon. “Or do you just want to do it yourself?” The anger quickly disappears, and Rin just looks exhausted. He nods at the sword. “Go ahead. It doesn’t matter.”

“Don’t be stupid,” Bon insists, but guilt simmers in his chest as his earlier words come back to him. _I’ll kill you myself._ There’s no bruise on Rin’s cheek from where Bon hit him – Bon supposes that must have something to do with him being a demon. “I didn’t mean it.”

“Yes, you did,” Rin says. He looks back out over the city, resting his chin on his folded arms. Kuro hisses at Bon, then stalks around to Rin’s other side, curling up against him.

Bon sighs, rubbing his face, then sits down on the roof with his feet hanging over the edge. Rin shifts away from him, pulling his legs closer to his chest. His cheeks are still wet, and his eyes are red, and the defeated expression on his face makes Bon feel like shit. Up here in the dark, Rin doesn’t look like a demon. He just looks like a small, scared boy, and Bon knows exactly how that feels.

“I’m sorry,” Bon manages, grinding his teeth. He’s never been good at apologizing. “I’m not gonna kill you. You’re not evil, or whatever.”

Rin doesn’t answer. Something moves in the corner of Bon’s vision and he realizes that it’s Rin’s tail, flicking back and forth in agitation. It’s fascinating, and he almost reaches out to touch it but pulls back before he can embarrass himself. Instead he leans back on both hands and looks up at the stars. It’s hard to see them with all the light pollution, but he can pick out a few familiar constellations.

“What did you mean about him killing your dad?” Bon asks after a few minutes of silence. Rin tips his head again and his brow furrows into a frown. “You were talking to, uh... the cat,” Bon says quickly. His cheeks feel hot and he’s not sure why. “You said ‘he’ killed your dad. Who?”

“Oh.” Rin picks at a loose thread on the cuff of his sweater. “Satan.”

“But isn’t he—”

“He’s not my dad,” Rin growls. There’s another sharp flash of teeth, but it’s accompanied by a waver in Rin’s voice. “You said—all of you, your families were killed by Satan, but so was mine.” He sniffs and wipes his face. “He killed my dad, too. I watched him die and I couldn’t do anything.”

The guilt in Bon’s chest grows heavier as he watches Rin bite his lip to try and hold in the tears. “I didn’t know,” he says. “I’m sorry.”

“I didn’t ask for this,” Rin says, gesturing to the sword beside him. “I wasn’t trying to lie to anyone, or trick any of you. I just...”

“Just?”

“I liked having friends,” Rin says, so quiet that Bon can barely hear him. “I never had friends before.”

“You still have friends,” Bon says.

Rin frowns. “But you said—”

“I know what I said. Listen to what I’m saying now. You saved Konekomaru today. You proved you’re not evil, or gonna hurt any of us.” Rin doesn’t say anything and Bon sighs. “I still think you’re a dumbass,” he grumbles. “But you’re my friend.”

Rin shakes his head and Bon can see tears spilling down his cheeks. “Don’t,” he says quietly. “Please, I just—”

“Come here, you idiot.” Bon’s moving before he can stop himself, shuffling closer to Rin and wrapping an arm around his shoulders. Something in his stomach does a little flip and he pushes it back, ignoring the sensation. Rin stiffens under his touch but doesn’t push Bon away.

“What are you doing?”

“What does it look like?” Bon’s happy it’s dark so that Rin can’t see the red flush that’s creeping up his neck to his cheeks. Being this close to Rin without fighting is strange, and Bon’s surprised to find that he really doesn’t hate it. Rin smells a bit like woodsmoke, and his skin is warm where Bon’s fingers touch his arm.

“I don’t—”

“Just shut up,” Bon grumbles.

There’s a long moment where Rin seems like he might get up and run, and then it’s as if he deflates completely. He slumps against Bon, head coming to rest on his shoulder, and lets out a soft, grief-filled cry that takes Bon back to being small and angry and afraid.

“I miss my dad,” Rin manages between tears. “I’m sorry.”

Bon’s not sure what Rin is apologizing for, but he doesn’t ask. Instead he runs his thumb across Rin’s shoulder and lets him cry. It’s both strange and comforting at the same time – like they’re meant to do this instead of bicker and fight.

Eventually the tears peter out and Rin takes a shaky breath, lifting his head and rubbing his eyes with his sleeves. He doesn’t move away, though, so neither does Bon. The moment feels like spun sugar, a second from dissolving, and Bon’s not sure he wants it to end.

“They’re gonna kill me,” Rin says quietly. “If I don’t pass the exam.”

Bon’s stomach twists uncomfortably at the idea, but he keeps his voice steady when he says, “Then pass it.”

“I’m trying.”

Bon’s about to reply when something brushes his leg and he jumps in surprise.

“Shit, sorry,” Rin says as Bon realizes it’s his tail. He quickly grabs it and tucks it under his leg. “It kinda, um... has a mind of its own sometimes.”

“Oh.” Bon feels the inexplicable urge to touch it again. “It’s okay.” Rin manages to keep the end of the tail trapped for a few seconds before it frees itself and flicks against Bon’s thigh again. “What does it feel like? Having a tail?”

“Weird,” Rin admits. Neither of them mentions the fact that Bon’s arm is still around his shoulder. “It’s uncomfortable to hide it.”

“Can I touch it?” Bon finally asks. The last half hour has been one of the weirdest of his life, and he’s pretty sure Rin’s not going to push him off the roof for asking. Rin nods awkwardly and Bon reaches out, running his fingers across the fur. “It’s soft.”

Rin doesn’t answer, and when Bon’s fingers reach the end of his tail, he makes a small squeaking noise.

“Sorry,” Bon says, quickly withdrawing his hand, but Rin shakes his head.

“No, it’s fine.” He swallows, and Bon’s pretty sure he shuffles a tiny bit closer. “It’s, um... it feels nice.” Bon’s cheeks burn when Rin tips his head back onto his shoulder, then nudges him with his knee. “Can you...”

He brings his hand back to Rin’s tail, combing his fingers through the fur carefully. Rin sighs, then makes a quiet sound that’s almost a purr as he relaxes against Bon again.

A million thoughts drift through Bon’s mind as he keeps stroking Rin’s tail, wondering how in the hell he managed to end up here. It’s not uncomfortable though, and neither of them move to break the silence. Kuro joins them, hopping up on Rin’s lap and stretching out so one paw is touching Bon’s thigh.

“I’ll help you study,” Bon says, breaking the silence between them. “If you want.”

“Really?”

“Only if you take it seriously.”

“I will,” Rin promises, and Bon can hear the sincerity in his usually affable tone. “I have to.”

Bon nods, then slowly, carefully tips his head so it’s leaning on Rin’s. It feels right, and he knows for sure that he doesn’t want to lose this – whatever it is. He has no idea what tomorrow will bring. Maybe they’ll yell at each other, maybe they’ll fight. Maybe things will be a little bit softer.

“You’ll pass,” he says. “We both will. And then we’ll kick Satan’s ass and avenge everyone.”

“Promise?” Rin asks, so quiet that Bon can barely hear him, and Bon nods against his hair.

“Yeah,” he says. “I promise.”

**Author's Note:**

> rin's tail just looks fluffy and touchable okay


End file.
